The Opening from the Book of Spells

Pieces of myself belong inside of this dark caved brick.

I walk past versions of myself all the time,

She is a beautiful thin woman wearing a long elegant bridal dress, blonde thick hair, jewels that match her complexion, the long dress aligns perfectly with her long figure, the dress hugs her tight on her small, hipped curves.  

However, the woman I see that I wish I would not continuously pass, as I walk through the caved brick of darkness, does not look happy. 

In fact, it is quite the opposite, this gorgeous woman inside of that beautiful dress hits the wall as she cries. 

And she cries. 

I face towards the other direction as I try to find a way out of the darkness, I do not want to see another version of myself lose anymore love. I don't want to know that this beautiful woman was not supposed to wear something like that. 

I have thrown flower vases and dancing jewelry boxes upon walls and screamed at nothing, I have rose my voice as I talk to no one. 

Months have passed by, and she is still the same. Her cries become louder. 

I do not care much for my beautiful sad self, just point me into the right direction, point me the way out. 

I do not know who she is, I do not know how to become her, and I do not care, just please leave. 

I do not know what she wants, but she never disappears from my dreams. 

 

I flip the bathroom light on as I enter it, my face looks pale, and it sags in sadness.

My lips frown slumping my face into a longer shape.

My cold body appears to be whiter within the days. 

My boney long fingers easily crack as blue veins noticeably grow.

My neck is aggravated as it pops out of place. 

While I wipe tears through a bathroom reflection, I shake my head to the beautiful one who I am supposed to become. 

I refuse to keep seeing this her, I close my eyes, I screech as my head rings. I bang my head on the doorways. 

Just leave me alone, just go away. 

I do not understand why she is here, I do not understand anything anymore.  

I face her with streaming tears falling from my face.

I cannot keep doing this.

My heart is so heavy, and I feel like giving up, there is no door that leads out of here. 

 

 

This is nothing but a sad circle.

This is a not a trail, or a pathway to which I can walk.

This is a circle, and I have hit every wall as I have fallen straight towards the middle.

There is no way out.

This is a portal of sadness. 

 

I have become strange as I watch myself in the future of time. 

Part of myself is frightened to become her and the other half, cannot wait to meet her. 

First, I must leave the caved brick of darkness. 

Instead of digging holes to search for the breaking of light, I have barricaded myself in.

Nailing doors with planks of wood, and I pull strings of lamps that brighten corners of the ceiling. 

 

Inside of my day-to-day routines is a struggle to open the heavy door as I brace myself for the sun. 

Days become longer as they have also become harder. 

My slow long drive is a dreadful amount of tears and sappy doughnuts, kicking the stereo for it will not play. I drive through the sun that looks like rain, I drive through the sadness.

My travels pulled myself back to the cave of bricks and my heavy shoulders sag, the darkness lingers, and my beautiful self is trapped as she fogs breath on the cold windows. 

My tiring slumped legs are stalling to enter the heavy door. 

My eyes examine the dimmed room although nothing has changed, nothing seems to be out of place. 

 

I am stuck within who I am inside of the in between and who I am destined to be. 

Dancing footsteps haunt my dreams. 

 

 

I race past the cold footed halls because I do not want to hear her wailing cries. I warm up junk food snacks and hop back into the sheets as I loudly play a movie, I do not want to see myself as I am stuck here in the in between. 

When the dim turns to dark, my sobs join her as we wept in harmony. 

I bolt lock the door because I do not want her to disturb my sleep.

My thick blond hair quickly becomes greasy and my tummy grumbles with anger. 

My big brown hopeful eyes bag with annoying endless cries. Long eyelashes itch my face as I rub and rub them from my eyelids. 

Hair has shed onto the sheets and the cold floors as I twist and pull.

My cold body from the in between will place my back onto the door as I talk to the beautiful one that I see. 

Her neck is covered in natural powder and her round cheeks glow in flushed pink.

 

I crave it so badly to come out of this, I wish I could leave. 

I would tell someone, but I cannot speak. 

There is darkness in the light, and this tunnel, I swear it breathes.

I remember opening the book of spells that I stashed inside of a cracked piece of brick,

I remember asking it a few things. 

I remember the candle and the angel sitting alongside the table and a necklace I slipped from my neck. 

My mind has become fuzzy, and my legs have become Limpy. 

My sad lonely heart has opened a book 

I do not know where I am going but I know where I have been. 

 

 

I am marked with a painted picture onto my soul, 

I am forced to use nothing but a broken light. 

I am careful to follow shadows, I am careful while long fingernails with scaley skin reach for my throat, I am careful as my footsteps crunch through the night. 

I am careful as their hungry broken rotted teeth will bite,

And I will be stuck inside the in between, beyond the within.  

 

-Micah Vincent