The Past

My body jolted awake; I was snoozing in a deep sleep, coma-like state of mind; I rushed out of bed thinking that I was running behind, although the alarm clock proved me wrong, thank goodness. 6:55 AM. I gathered my clothes, along with the supplies that I would need for the work hours. I felt almost strange, really; I felt aroused as my body still wobbled like I had been moving with the rhythms of the motions when I do not remember inviting anyone over last night. I can hardly remember last night at all; my heart feels exposed while also touched. I couldn't explain it if I had tried, but I felt love run through the course of my veins. I felt different, relaxed, and content; I felt older in a sense. Memories of a man with light brown hair popped in and out of my mind; I wanted to say that I knew him, that I had loved him before, but on the other hand, I did not recognize his face, neither did I see one. Before I saw any of his kind features, I saw his heart. It stood out amongst the rest; it was gigantic, and it bled out love. I wanted to find this person that I remembered, although I couldn't quite put a picture of his face; I wanted to do everything it took to find him while also having zero clue how to start. I do not know how to look for someone that I cannot remember a single feature. Light brown hair, muscles, skinny, tall, sexy. That book- it was the book that I opened last night! I bubbled with excitement as I hopped on the early bus, perhaps love will be mine after all. I began to imagine a fantasy, after fantasy, what my life, my daughter's life, would start to look like. A strong handsome man changing out light bulbs, cooking for us when I came home exhausted, Friday night outings with adorable pictures that he posted. I held my heart with a hopeful smile, perhaps the wooden book wasn't so bad after all. It gave me answers to the wonders that I had, about family. I scratched my head, as the random thought of not knowing where I placed the book last night, while I watched the scenery from the bus route. I tried to think, although my head hurt too bad to do that. The only thing I wanted to do was fantasize about my upcoming life. Christmas spent by the roasting fire, days of laughter were ahead of me, happiness bubbled inside of my belly. I was so impatient to see this happen. 

I arrived at the coffee shop ten minutes before my shift, there was something strange about the people that I come to know. They were staring with an evil look, they were bumping my shoulder, causing me to spill coffee out on the tile. They were looking towards my way as they whispered to one another. I began to feel emotions of feelings that did not belong to me, sadness and guilt washed over me, which however, I did not have the slightest reason to feel ashamed. Out bursting tears poured from my eyes, while nothing out of the ordinary happed for me to cry. My coworkers started acting as if they were annoyed simply by my presence. Whispers of Brittany staled the room. The last time I seen her, I had given her a lecture for sleeping with my boyfriend behind my back. I never noticed it before until the day that I found out, in spite of the many times that she has hit me, while she played it off as an accident. She was pouring coffee beans in the machine while I stood next to her, when her folded arm smacked me right in the right face. She was pulling tickets off of the spinning rod, as I walked behind her, she threw them over atop of my head as she leaned backwards. I fell to the side of the counter so hard it bruised my side. Also, many other times when she claimed to be accidental. Rumor had it Joe the coffee maker tossed her out of his shop, I was dumfounded by the looks on my coworkers faces. They seem to look at me like I was the villain.

    While I was brewing the special coffee for the day, I leaned my head slightly over the counter. The noise of the machines screeched my ears, my head cracked, almost like it would split open. I began to see a post that Brittany Swift was typing. The post was fueled with embarrassment. My hands reached for the counter; the surrounding environment felt collapsed in. 

Raelyn doesn't even wash her hands, she is way too skinny, I thought she had an eating disorder. My boyfriend doesn't even like them to be that skinny, or that tall, he likes them thick like me. She thinks so highly of herself, and she is not even that pretty, all she does is make coffee for the customers. 

            Joe pinned a sign on his walls stating he will not tolerate harassment. Eyes circled me in the stuffy room. I slipped as I felt dizzy, also sick to my stomach. My eyes crossed as they moved in circles. My neck drooped over as I dragged myself along. I slowly walked to check tables today, suddenly noticing the reflection from the windows. My hair was darker, I stopped midway in my tracks, grabbing folded edges of my hair within my fingertips. It is still blonde. People were talking in secret, it hit like waves, bursting my ear drums. I began to feel a knot in my stomach that twisted itself into my chest. I closed my blurry eyes once more, before glancing at my reflection from the windows. The girl with black hair was standing there watching me, I could feel the promise hang over me that she would never leave. I felt sadness run through the course of my veins, as though I have never felt it before. My chest ached and locked with anxiety bubbles. Darkness loomed over me. Darkness dimmed the room. Darkness drained my soul as it emptied me. My head felt barely able enough to hold itself above water, and for the first time I did not have the strength to hold myself together. I have come unglued I cannot stop the world from spinning right before my face. I cannot brush off what I am hearing from the people I see daily, it is so powerful, and I could not help but to think that antagonizing anger, has waited for this exact moment. Anger has thralled upon me. He does it so hatefully well, I can tell he enjoys finally being able to taste inside of my bones. The darkest of the clouds have yet to pour. Brief moments I lay balled with pain, others I am lost in zones of laughter, that expand from the gossipers. I do not have the will, to turn away from the pain that is injuring me. I am stuck, mostly just confused. My heart does not beat, although the pain is just as fresh, like it has happened yesterday. I feel as if I have been stabbed by someone, I truly believed I could trust, I am dumbfounded by the realization, I do not know who has hurt me. I feel like I have been smashed with a high striker, just as the dark clouds have hoped, I have reacted. I have no choice but to surrender to its unworthiness. I had been rejected, chewed up, and spat back out. I was running inside of a spinning wheel, panting while I attempted to catch my breath, sweating from the fear, hurting from the inside out. However, my body hasn't moved, I am stunned between it all. Parts of myself move too quickly, while the other has trouble keeping up. I do not have the slightest idea what is all happening before my eyes. I gulp my throat, along with it the anger from the hateful gossipers.